I was recently talking with a postpartum client about the need to take time to herself, and her response was something like “yeah yeah, I know I need to do it, but I don’t even know what I’d do with myself if I had the time.” I bet you can relate.
We all know that self-care is important for our mental health, but oftentimes make excuses not to do it. I find that in the weeks and months after giving birth, moms are especially hard on themselves about this. There are plenty of legitimate excuses - “I’m breastfeeding” and “I just don’t want to be away from my baby” stand out as the ones I hear most often. And I do get it. If you are breastfeeding you’ll either have to plan an outing around that or pump and have a baby who will accept a bottle (or give formula, because lest we forget, that is absolutely a fine choice as well!). And yes, you might miss your baby for a couple hours. But your baby will still be there when you return, and you will be more available to actually enjoy your little bundle of joy.
The hurdle my client was struggling with was not knowing what she’d do with her time if she dared to take any. I hear this a lot, and actually had a similar experience myself. When I was postpartum with my second son, I at least knew that it was important that I take some time away. Time in which I only had to worry about my own needs, a foreign concept in the postpartum period. I found myself using my time, week after week, to go to the movies. It didn’t matter that I might not be particularly interested in the film, but that was as much as I could muster energy for. I knew I “should” be exercising or seeing friends, but I just didn’t have it in me. What I did have the capacity for was sitting in a dark room, by myself, eating popcorn and diet Coke, and escaping reality for a couple hours. I felt a bit guilty about this use of time, but my husband was encouraging me to get out, and I knew I needed that time.
Eventually, I outgrew my movie days and found that I did want to go for a hike or meet a friend for coffee. It happened gradually, but I got to a point in which sitting in a theater just wasn’t appealing anymore. What I’ve realized since then is that I just needed the space away to be alone. I couldn’t yet locate my own needs and I was probably too exhausted to launch much of a search. But being in the habit of just taking that time away allowed me to eventually reconnect with those needs. Because by then I was accustomed to taking the time away, it was easier to honor those needs. I think if I hadn’t been in my movie watching habit, it would have been a lot harder to talk myself into attending a work out class or meeting up with a friend.
So what I told my client is that even if she just takes a nap in her car or scrolls on her phone, she should still take the time to herself. Think of it like building muscle, you’re teaching yourself that you are worthy of taking time for. Not knowing how to “effectively” use your time isn’t an excuse not to take it. Get into the habit of it and eventually you’ll find yourself using your time in ways that really fill you up.